I hate to regret. and now i'm doing it against my very wishes.
I kinda getting to like being alone. that is when I feel like I am in control of my emotions.
I hate myself for getting angry easily. And being unable to hide it or to curb it.
I hate it when I bitch about someone. I regret about it afterwards. But I keep doing it.
I hate being taken advantage by people I considered friends. They piss the hell out of me sometimes. But I still consider them as friends. Stupid isn't it?
I realize that I am kinda easily forgotten and often taken advantage of. And I hate that feeling.
I am insecure. and I hate it.
Looking at them is like having a hot cocoa in the cold winter night, dressed in your comfiest pyjamas, snuggled under your bed a reading a really nice heart-warming book. Funny to describe it that way, but my memories of the pair of them always bring a smile to my face. They are the living testimonies that true love and fate exist. In a world that is consistently challenged in retaining whatever humanity and love we have, seeing them regain my faith in love and trust. That maybe the world is not so bad after all. That we can always relish in this kind of protection and happiness even when the world outside is topsy turvy. I may be seen as exaggerating but this is truly what I feel. I'm really really happy for them. So much so that I don't even know how to describe it completely. I kinda embarrassed that I am penning this down is a semi-public portal but I really want to remember this wonderful moment and indescribable good feeling. Thank you R & S for giving me this chance to experience this infectious happiness. Hope you guys stay strong. I would really look forward to attending your wedding (so that I can have an excuse to indulge in shopping again hahahaha).
- Mood:
happy
the leaves and dust settled
leaving only memories behind
this empty city is filling in
with noise and gaiety
love and friendship
what's lost cannot be recovered
but I thank god that you were once here
life goes on
the wind has stopped
and when it blows again
it will bring happy memories to us
and tears away
the leaves will settle
the dust will too
and then
i'll leave my footprints in time
once again
Now, I'm weak, shattered and defenseless and no one one's coming to my rescue. I'm swept away by waves of insecurity and uncertainty and no one's reassuring me. I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to find that everyone's missing. I'm withering inside. My emotions are on a roller-coaster ride everyday. Just when I congratulate myself for not crying last week, I lost and tears appeared again yesterday. I'm so consumed in my own grief at times but I try to carry on as though nothing had happened. I laughed but guilt overcomes me after that. I'm cheating myself thinking he's gone on a holiday and things will be okay. And it never rains but pours. I see my best friend going through the same thing, and I feel so helpless. How do I reach out to comfort that aching heart when my heart had not even healed itself? I can understand the isolation and the pain. But what can I do? I can't even pick myself up.
I've fallen and perhaps this is the only time I've felt so defenseless. But no one's coming to clean the dust off me, to get me moving. The loneliness is even harder to bear. I think it ever happens, I would blame you for not appearing now. I would blame you for not saving you now. The isolation that no one can help me with. My jokes are filled with things I want to be said or to be done. My denials are filled with my desperate pleas. My laughter comes before my tears. It's not the girls' fault for not being able to help. I just can't open the door. I lost the key I think. Or maybe I am refusing to find it. It's just the emotional block - I can understand but I just cannot feel it. It's just like someone telling you something, you are listening but you are not comprehending and everything else seem so distant and strange. It's like looking at yourself as a detached person. I have never find silence and darkness so comforting before. But I cannot stay down in this deep abyss forever. I need to crawl up by myself, even if my fingers bleed and my skin's bruised because I know you are not coming to save me.
No one's coming to save the stranded girl. she's stranded inside in her heart. They think she's strong and tough. But she's not. She's breaking inside. But no one is going inside to pick up the broken pieces. All that's left is echoes. Echoes of her pleas and cries, reverberating throughout the dark lands. No one's coming. She's been cheated. She has let down her guard, but she's still alone. Perhaps, she's always been alone.
but no.
even walking past funerals bring back memories.
memories that i wanna bottle up forever.
memories that I wished never happened, never created.
I'm slowly forgetting your voice.
I'm grasping every single shred of memory left.
into a collage, into a film, into a picture, into my mind.
maybe one day things will change.
it will be a different kind of normal.
isolation fosters depression.
but how...how do I go on doing frivolous things like going out, having social events?
when..i know i could possibly lose all in the next moment without any notice.
how do I go on achieving my dreams
when i know the people with me might disappear?
how?
I never expect myself to miss you that much.
I never expect myself to be so affected. especially when it's all over.
I know things will eventually become better.
I know. but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I am suppose to keep walking.
But now, I just feel like sitting down in this darkness forever.
I know this darkness is bad for me.
But it feels comforting at the same time.
Will strength come back to us all?
I don't know.
Looking at the pictures brings back laughter.
But looking at the present brings me tears.
How?
What can I do?
I'm helpless.
I need air. I need to run. I need to get out.
But now, I'm drained.
I just want to go on staying underwater, sleeping in the dark.
How?
we come from nothing.
and we go into nothing.
I thought I'll be okay from then now. But it felt so wrong to resume normal life today. Shouldn't things change? But I still wake up at the usual time, take the normal bus route, walk the usual places.......Then I realize..the difference was sadness engulfed me whenever I am idle, especially on bus trips. I realize I cried a lot on bus trips recently. kind of embarrassing but I just couldn't control. They just fell silently. I know what it feels like to be peacefully sad. It's not anguish. It's not pain. It's just pure missing.
The past one week had been hell. Worrying about your condition when you met with the accident, happy about your recovery then it all plunged into the deep abyss when it turned for the worse. We kept praying to god to let you stay with us a little longer. But I think god, ah ma and ah gong needs you more. I couldn't believe that you were gone when I reached the house. Even now, I can still remember how shao shao told me that you passed away. It was 2ish am and I was sleeping. The phone rang and I heard her say quietly that "shu shu just passed away". I couldn't register. I thought it must be a sick joke or a really bad dream. I dressed..without knowing what my hands and legs were doing. All I know is that I had to get out of my FBT shorts to wear something decent....funny isn't it. I reached your place and saw that you were already gone. I didn't even say goodbye and you were there, lying quietly on the bed. I can still hear the prayers chanting in the background. I can still see my mum holding on to shen shen who was crying that she didn't believe this had happened. I can still see kailun sitting there lifelessly...and everybody's stunned faces. This must be a really bad dream I thought. I needed to get out of the house...I couldn't stand the atmosphere..one side of it with shen shen inability to accept your passing and the other side discussing your funeral plans. I sat outside our old house but I still cannot believe it. It just felt like a really really bad dream. I just want to wake up from it. Then papa came over to fetch me. The moment I saw him, I broke down. Although I don't want you to go, I was glad my papa is still with me. Then mum said if I go into the dark, you cannot see me. I don't want you to see me in this way. I wish you were back. I wish we can still have dinners together. I know you have left peacefully and I shouldn't be so greedy to want you back. But....I wish.
Everytime I see kailun and shenshen talking to you, my heart breaks. I think it's so tattered now that it needs a long time to recover. the hole can never be filled. I'll miss you forever.
Everytime i drive, i remember you saying that you'll get me a nissan fairlady if I pass. The other day when I was taking my driving exam, I broke down. the way you said it, the smile and your hand gestures just keep flashing before my very eyes. I couldn't take it and started crying. The second and last time I truly broke down after your passing. I prayed for strength and I think you gave it to me then. Though I didn't pass, I felt very peaceful.
Writing is the only way I can release the bottled-up pain. I think I will keep writing until one day, I can think of you and smile without tearing.
Thank you for everything...and...goodbye.
I am very sad, not only by my uncle's death, but also by your reactions. I spoke to V about it and she said that it's always easier to sympathize than to empathize. I try to feel the point but the truth is, my heart is so filled with grief, disappointment and anger that I can understand, but cannot feel your good intentions.
Maybe I am venting my pent up emotions at you. Whatever.
But...seriously. Have you guys ever considered if it it appropriate to :
a) ask me if I wanna join stanchart run
b) remind me to return library books
c) post condolences messages on fb
d) apologize for your lack of concern because you realize you shouldn't have done that because this is what you learn in social work and not simply because I am friend that needs help
right now...at this very moment where I am trying to fill in the void, trying to be strong because I cannot break down otherwise, my cousins would be affected. We are their pillars of strength. This is the only way we can help. At this very very moment, do you think it was appropriate?
Do you honestly think, honestly, in your most honest mind without cheating yourself, that I WOULD GIVE A DAMN ABOUT STANCHART, LIBRARY BOOKS AND FB AT THIS MOMENT? Do you? Even if you tell me stanchart run is held in mars, mercury or plato or that my library books are 100 years overdue or that my fb has just been filled with walls and walls of condolences messages. I DON'T CARE!. FB....whatever were you thinking? I would never imagine you, my bestest bud to comfort me on fb. I expected a call at the very least. You did offer to come down. But my concern is , you don't even know my uncle. The only thing you'll rmb him for is his funeral. I would never want to do that. That's why Is said it's alright. Then, I chance upon my fb and saw your message saying that you feel bad. I didn't want you to feel bad so I texted you saying that it's okay. But you replied "hehehehe" you began to realize how your behaviour affects people from sw. what is this? you mean being your friend is not a reason valid enough? and what's with hehehehehe? I am sorry but I am put off with lols and hehehehehehe. I am okay if you do now know what has happened. But I do know that you know so what's so funny? When I asked if I was your subject of observation, I was serious. It was not a joke.
I sound very abrasive right now because I am bruised. Seriously.
Maybe 10 years from now, I would be ashamed because I am acting like an uncontrollable bitch. But right now, this is the only way to let of the steam that is building inside me. If I don't do so, and pretend that your insensitivity does not hurt me a single bit, then one day, I might just explode and it will be game over for all of us.
I need hugs, messages to check if I am hanging on fine every other day, attempts to understand how I feel losing someone so suddenly....
Tomorrow's the last day to say goodbye. I don't know how things will be in future. Maybe I am exaggerating because I am on the emotion see-saw now. Maybe in future, I will actually realize that I am very stupid to have think this way. Maybe I can forget and forgive and still be friends. Or maybe, this may be a scar hanging overhead of us. But right now....I'm tired. I sick of figuring what I have done wrong that make you treat me this way. I am sick of wondering if my behaviour has rendered me as an emotionless person because messages have seemed to indicate so. Have I behaved too materialistically? I studied econs, not for money as I always said but for the dream of helping kids leave poverty through positive economic growths and social development. But I am not comfortable with revealing my most inner thoughts and that is why i can only cry for help subtly, hoping for someone to pick up the radar and come to my rescue. but time and time again, I have only myself to save, and to be saved. but It's alright. the more you swim against tides, the stronger you'll become and I have someone that understands what I need right now.
Maybe like V said, you can only sympathize and not empathize. Maybe you don't understand how close my family is to my uncle's family. But. I still feel very disappointed, sad and angry.
I don't know if you guys will see this. I hope you do by chance. And understand how I truly feel.
- Mood:
disappointed
To some, he may just be an uncle. But to my family and I, he's family, as close as we can ever get. We had dinners together at least once a week and celebrate every special occasion together. He's our benefactor. Without him, we would have never moved into this new house at all. His encouragement and concern will always be remembered.
the most admirable thing about him was his willingness to change. He used to be a wayward teenager but changed to become the man he is today. He didn't really watch soccer in the past, but stayed up late to discuss and watch the game with his two liverpool-fanatic sons. Everything he did was for the protection of his small and precious family. His laughter and words still ring in my ear. His swagger and confidence still flash before my eyes.
I cannot believe he's gone. We had even promised to have dinner together this mid-autumn festival. And now, we had dinner at his funeral. what a change. what a sudden change. it's as though a blanked of snow had settled in our hearts. it's eerily quiet, cold and numb. I still walk, talk, eat, sleep....but he's gone. We were chatting and laughing while offering incense money, while he's there lying quietly beside us. It didn't feel right, but it was healing. Maybe we were just putting away the pain for an oasis of happiness and security. What would life be from now on? What would family dinners be like from now on? What would reunion dinners be like from now on? What would going to his house feel like from now on? Every corner has his memories. If I can feel the pain, it must be a thousand million times worse for my aunt and his children.
My dear uncle and unofficial god-father (I've always joked about wanting to be his god-daughter because my aunt years for a daughter), I hope you are peaceful and happy in the place where you are now. I promised you, I'll be a good sister to your sons and take good care of them. Please....bless them with strength to carry on life with vigour without your presence. Please....bless them with luck and love so that they may never have to suffer another trauma like this again. Please...bless my father with the strength to take good care of himself, without the loneliness your departure would bring. I know he loves you a lot. I hope he's fine, healthy and happy. Please..take good care and you'll always always be in my heart.
2. Travel to NASA.
3. Visit LOURVE for one week.
4. learn SAILING
5. learn BELLY DANCING
6. travel across SAHARA DESERT on my JEEP WRANGLER
7. Steer a YATCH (and maybe have a hot picnic with my hot boyfriend.haha)
8. DIVING with TURTLEs
9. work as a ZOOKEEPER
10. go to TIBET
11. help AFRICA with my dream of working in PEACE CORPS/UNITED NATIONS
12. buy a JEEP WRANGLER or MINI COOPER or BEETLE
13. hot guy to PICK ME UP hahaha.
14. go to GREECE
15. lose weight WITHOUT ANY EFFORT
16. host a DINNER PARTY like those in Gossip Girls
17. Backpacking in EUROPE
18. Float in RED SEA (only place where I can defy gravity)
19. Suprised by SUPRISE PARTIES hahah.
20. Learn DRUMMING or CELLO
21. Speak SPANISH
22. PICNIC every month
23. ROADTRIP to nowhere
24. have an ELEPHANT farm/conservation zoo in THAILAND or INDIA
25. go into LV shop, randomly point a few items and say "CHARGE THAT TO MY ACCOUNT" and walk out of the shop with my slaves carrying boxes of LV like you see in the movie.
26. own my own HOUSE - a 2-storey MANSIONITE
27. Sing with a LIVE BAND. (kinda like Jason Mraz style hahahaha)
28. go to THEMED DATES with my future hot bf
29. COOK very cooly
30. DRIVE very cooly
Last one - find someone to accomplish all these dreams with me...
Okay i think I'm a bit greedy to have like 31 wishes..wonder how many I will be able to complete in my life...hahahaha....and I think the list will grow/change given my fickle-mindedness. hahahaha. Favourite wish is number 25!
- Mood: happy
Walking into one another
There’s no warmth, there’s no smiles
The world is closing in on me
I can feel the chill in the air
I’m drowning
I need your warmth right here right now
But I do not know where I can find you
I’m sick of acting, I don’t care
I wanna break down, I wanna cry, in front of you
So can you reach out?
Your hand and your smile
And take away this coldness in my heart
So can you reach out?
I’m sick of hanging on by myself
Will you take my hand?
And put a smile on my face?
And take me away from here
To a place where we will share
I’m acting, I’m pretending
That love don’t really matter
But I’m lying
I envy the hands that clasp
The lips that touch
And the stares they share
I’m drowning
I need your warmth right here right now
But I do not know where I can find you
I’m sick of acting, I don’t care
I wanna break down, I wanna cry, in front of you
So can you reach out?
Your hand and your smile
And take away this coldness in my heart
So can you reach out?
I’m sick of hanging on by myself
Will you take my hand?
And put a smile on my face?
And take me away from here
To a place where we will share
*wrote this after being inspired by the song "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
- Mood:artistic
The water pressure is all over me
yet the simple melody
keeps singing to me
Why am I here?
I'm trying to kick away the chains
but they hang on tight
I want to breath
but the water is pushing the air out of my lungs
my heart's palpitating
i'm not breathing
i can feel the tension in my brain
I just want to stay alive
I thought I was strong
but apparently not so.
I need help
Can someone save me?
Or do I have to save myself again?
But does it matter?
I've been saving myself for so long
it doesn't hurt to save myself once more.
problem is....
I am tired. there's no more energy left in my
I am so tired. I couldn't even cry.
Why?
“我是不是不应该这样？不应该哭？”
“不是。 不想忍的时候就不要忍。不要因为别人觉得你坚强而把眼泪收起来。“
“可以吗？”
。。。
我。。。可以吗？
- Mood: depressed
A buddy to help me along to fulfill my dreams.
But apparently, no one understands my intentions.
But hell no. They grow with us and change into Adult Fats which stays with us forever.
I hate you Baby Fats. You're a liar and a cheater.
1. I am old.
2. I look old.
3. My hair looks dry.
4. My hair is dry.
5. My skin looks saggy.
6. My skin is saggy.
7. I look like I have eye bags.
8. I have eye bags.
9. I look like I have bad skin.
10. I have bad skin.
.
.
.
.
.
.
this list can go on forever. But i think it's enough. DAMN.
I feel flattered that so many people care about me. but PLEASE stop reminding how crap I look. The next thing I need would be someone offering me slimming products. When that come, I wring his/her neck off and spray all the products on his/her face and make them look like shrek.
- Mood:
pensive
Thanks for offering your help.
Though there was none given.
Thanks for making me think you we were friends
to find out that we were just aqquaintances.
I'm sick of all the pretense
and am glad that I am out of it.
Something I thought was important,
hardly made a difference in anyone's life.
While I moved on to pursue something bigger,
you said I disappear.
And there I asked myself,
perhaps I've always been there
but you just didn't bother to turn and look.
perhaps, I did really disappear,
but for what reasons I'm unsure.
Maybe I tired, maybe I'm sick
maybe I realize, that this is and was never for me.
I am a circle, trying to fit into a square space.
Perhaps, like a rubber ball, I managed to squeezed in.
But slowly, the pressure pushed me back to where I was suppose to be.
Here.
I'm jaded. and I think you might know.
I enjoyed myself, but notice the past tense.
I've crossed this bridge, I've reached the other land.
But I don't intend to set the bridge on fire.
But please don't be the troll under the bridge.
I think all was but a dream. A wonderful one.
That left me feeling empty and dry.
I felt cheated but maybe that's life.
It's okay. I'll move on because I have my own troops to fall back on.
I didn't disappear. I was always here.
And then I realize,
it doesn't really matter.
- Mood: calm
A Rat is an outdoor Mouse
and a Mouse is an indoor Rat
Aren't I smart?
It seems like it was ice age when I posted my last entry. Well, we're hardly halfway through the year and I have already fallen behind my new year resolution. hahaha. So, here's a super long entry on what I've been up to, though I don't think anyone actually reads this.
1. Happenings in April - Shifting to a new home
Have been busy packing and unpacking, packing and unpacking (the whole process seems to go on forever doesn't it?), getting the new house ready and finally on April 15, we moved in! Well, most of the things are in their rightful places but there are still some loose ends to tie. But I'm really happy to moved to this place, though I miss the accessibility I enjoy at my previous home. And every time I return to visit my aunt, who happens to live two houses away from where I lived, memories of my childhood will flash across my mind. I kinda miss it. It will never be the same again, but I know that if I continue to look back, I would never move forward. And although I did miss the life in the old house, the "missing" part wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Before I moved, I imagined that I would be pinning for my old home. But then I realize, home is where the family is. It doesn't matter where we go, or where we lived, as long as we're together.
Anyway, enough of the nostalgia. While packing and unpacking, I realized I had tonnes of junk hidden in my room for 15 freaking years. Things that I don't even know that they existed. Though they were not as embarrassing as my sister's junk (she once tried to write a letter to a magazine editor to stand up to the critics of her idol), there were, nonetheless, something that I don't want to show to other people, especially the photographs. God. I.look.awful. (if you think i look awful now, you should just gorge your eyes out if I happen to show you my childhood pictures in my drunken stupor.) Thank god those awkward times are over. phew.
By the way, I freaking hate gravity and stairs. I wish we have an escalator in our house.....
2. Stupidest thing I've ever done
I'm giving tuition to earn some extra income now. One day, my tuition kid asked me about solar storm, which is predicted to happen in 2012. (Check out this NASA report and Fox News). I did some research, (as you can see from the given links) and eventually found my way to the Mayan's prophecy that apocalypse would happen on 21 December 2012. (for more information, just google 2012 and you will get tonnes of information.) Anyway, I was googleling as I have advised you to do earlier on, and chanced upon this website of The Institute of Human Continuity. Before you judge me, take a look at the website first.
This website opened with a very professional video, taking about its formation, causes blah blah blah. And then something caught my eye - the survival lottery. Believe me, it scared the crap out of me. For those who know me, you know that I'm usually a very sensible person with common sense. But this time, I think I lost my mind. The survival lottery really scared the crap out of me. I mean if there is such a program and organization going on, it means that the very possibility of Armagadeon@2012 happening is high! I don't wanna die. I still have yet to do so many things! and then I think of my family, especially my two nephews. They're so young. They don't even know what they can achieve in life and wham, we're wiped out like dust on the table.
so.....I signed up for this lottery thing. It was so bloody realistic that it even gave me a lottery ticket to print. I wanted to sign up for my whole family too then they refused repeated entries. Man, I was scared witless. Then I saw something that calmed me down immediately. Copyright at Sony Entertainment. I was puzzled. Why Sony Entertainment? Then I realized, that that stupid website was a viral marketing website for the movie "2012". Maggots must have eaten my brain that night. God. It's.so.bloody.embarrasing.and.stupid.
And I had to get my common sense back by visiting this website: dailycommonsense.com, which explained why we should not waste our time beliving in this apocalypse shit. I felt so stupid that I had to ACTUALLY GET MY COMMON SENSE BACK FROM A B
Having said that, I still pray that 2012 is indeed a hoax. I'm going to be just 23 years old. Gawd. I have no intention of dying that early.
And, realizing that I am such an idiot has been a real entertainment for my friends.
3. Acceptance of Uni
Just a shout out to people who care about my future (what an irony) path, I'll be going to NUS, Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, intending to major in economics or double major in economics and political science. Yup. Although 2012 is suppose to wipe us all out, I still have to study to prepare for the future, in case it doesn't happen. crap.
Alright, that's all for now. I have to go catch some sleep otherwise my mum will exterminate me before 2012 does.
Adios:)
- Mood:
silly
我很懊恼， 好人有好报这个道理不存在了吗？
为什么？为什么？为什么？为什么？为什么？
问了自己这么多的为什么。我还是找不出答案。
- Mood: disappointed
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